karz000

People are cruel.

I have come to conclude this for the last few weeks. Honestly, I’m going through some not really good things right now. But I’ve noticed that people are cruel. People always try to over-complicate simple things by turning it into some drama. Seriously, can we just pass that part? There are more things that we should be concerned at, and instead of solving the real issue, people focus themselves on the “drama” part. What frustrates me is that these are just not some of your typical teenagers, but some are adults as well.

People are cruel.

I don’t really see why people have to make really mean comments about other people. Why do they make an issue of an issue-less thing? I mean I joke around teasing people too, but not to the point where I’m hurting other people. They are so concerned of so much things that they forget their purpose in life.

People are cruel.

People say too much hurtful stuff and are unaware of how others may feel. Not everything will go the way we want it to be, we have to make some adjustments and meet halfway with our opinions and beliefs, and if not, let’s learn to respect and understand by not saying cruel stuff.

People are cruel.

I don’t know why I only see this now. Maybe it’s because of my “What Would Jesus Do” mentality I have lately. But I find it hard be around people who talks too much trash anymore and cusses out for no reason and makes a big deal of simple things. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate them, I just feel uncomfortable. But what makes me uncomfortable is that I want to tell them what they’re doing is wrong, and yet can’t. Honestly, I’m a big coward. I’m scared of what they’ll think or say to me. And I have this perception that I’m not good enough to change people, and yet deep inside I hope that they would change and realize that their lives shouldn’t be wasted on useless things

karz000

So, I just came from my retreat this weekend. I was pretty excited for this one since the last retreat that I went to was when I was in 6th grade, and that was about 4 1/2 years ago. lol. So, basically, it was just an overnight retreat, but still I learned a lot of things. Throughout the retreat, we did different activities, listened to different lectures, and played a lot of games. I really had fun and it’s good to just focus on God again. These past few weeks, I’ve been busy with school, basketball, fundraising for class, and all of those stuff that I haven’t really dedicated my time with God, so I really think the retreat made me realized that I shouldn’t be stressing myself in all of these things. The important thing is, if you have faith in God, and do good things, there’s really nothing to worry about anymore, and that’s what I learned in retreat.

I also learned that all retreats are the same. Before I went in to my retreat, I was a little sad because I thought I wouldn’t receive any retreat letters or “palankas” like what they call them in the Philippines. I remember asking everyone for palankas in the Philippines, and how I’d bring bundles of letters with me and read them during the retreat when I was in elementary school. But turned out, in my retreat, after confessing my sins, my mentor handed my about 5 long letters. I did not expect to get 5 letters, like “who can they be from besides my parents?”.. but as I opened the first letter, it was from my cousin, and as I read it, I just started to cry. I went on to read the next letter from my Uncle and Aunt, then the next one from my aunt and cousins from the Philippines, and lastly my parent’s letter. I seriously don’t know why I cried. I think I cried more because of happiness. I was just happy to receive these letters and to read what impact I make on people’s lives. It’s very lightening and refreshing.

So, usually, people always say that, when someone goes to a retreat, they come back and act like saints for a week, then goes back to their regular self after that. But, I want to be different from that. I just want this to last as long as I could. I want to live my life knowing that I didn’t let down the Lord and made him suffer in the cross for nothing. During this retreat, I’ve realized what I want to do in life: to live it in service and help out other people. It’s just that I’ve realized in one of the lectures that, God loves me so much, he gave me a good life, and still sometimes I take granted for everything I have and complain and complain. So I feel like I should give back to the needy, and help them feel God’s love for them.

So live my life towards service in my new goal, and of course, live a good Christian life.

karz000

So pretty much, this is some vent out post. lol. I know my friend Pablo said that I post the most depressing stuff here in tumblr, just hating on school and things, but really, this is just the times where I feel like I want to blog.

So, I have been really upset this past few days. It feels like everything is against what I’m trying to do. It feels like I’m this big rebel and I’m putting everyone in some hard situation. People act like I’m doing something that interferes with their normal lives. Well people have to calm down.

First of all, I’m so tired of Class stuff. I’m tired of fundraisers. I’m tired of students saying “I don’t care about prom anyway, I don’t care about Graduation next year”. I’m tired of people not doing things in right order. It’s so hard to lead a whole class that has around 200 students, where 9/10 of the students doesn’t even care about their class. It’s so tiring to convince people to fundraise. Today, in my English class, I announced to students that they should turn in their fundraiser money and it will make all the officer’s life easier. All I got was complaints and saying they don’t care. I responded to this by saying, “You guys, you’re making me sad, we’ve been really working hard, don’t say that you guys don’t care, the officers has spend a lot of their time just to help the class”, and all I get is “Why did you want to be an officer then?”…. I was like, what? Is that even a response? It made me straight out depress. Is that a way to thank your officers for spending so much time just to help your class have fun? to make everything easier for you? It is very obnoxious, and unethical. I believe this people should learn their basic manners again, or learn them if they haven’t. It is not right. They should learn some courtesy. Now I realize, they don’t even know their manners, of course they wouldn’t know the meaning of helping out and cooperating to make everything easier for everyone. I want to believe that as a leader of this class, I should be able to change this people and convince them that it doesn’t work that way, I want to believe that there is hope that I can miraculously make them want to cooperate. But, there is not. There is a limit into being a leader. If Jesus didn’t even convince people that he was not a sinner, how can I convince people that they should cooperate? I’m sorry, but you can’t change people. I’m not going to give up, but I’m not going to stress myself and let my hopes up that people will all magically help me and make the officers life so easy.

Second, I’m tired of adults making me feel like I’m this bad kid and I’m a rebel for not going with what they want. Honestly, I have no idea what they think of me but I know that I’ve been helping out people and I am not doing anything wrong. I got yelled at class today for being late, and it’s not like I am late because I want to, I was late because the office had been making me do stuff for our Class, and what do I get? AHHHH. The other day, I was thought of as a rebel for not following orders. Well, why would I follow wrong orders? I was just trying to stick to the right system and doing everything in the right way. AND I WAS A REBEL FOR THAT. Also people criticizing us because of their false assumptions. Just stop. If you don’t know any better, just don’t speak. It makes you look ignorant. We are trying to help out people so don’t treat us like we’ve committed a huge crime. Just calm down. Take a deep breathe, and relax. We’ll even offer to help you if you need some treatment. so just chillax.

So, everything is making me so tired and depressed. High School sucks. It’s suppose to be fun but I end up hating it. Someone save me. But whatever, I’ll have to spend my next 2 years in this place and bear with it. I want to be positive and be this good kid and say that everything will be fine. I still want to be that person, and I’m still hoping that things will start to turn out in the right way, and all of our hard work would pay off. I really hope so. But honestly, I’m starting to lose it… and it’s just getting worse day by day.

karz000

It’s 1:00 am and I have no idea why I’m not feeling sleepy. When I was using the computer earlier, i felt like my eyes were shutting off, but now I’m here laying down I can’t sleep at all. Weird.

So now I am bored and writing a senseless post. Actually to tell you the truth, during times like this, i have no time to be bored. I mean I shouldn’t be bored, tons of things are waiting to be done. But I just want to relax right now, listen to music, and act like a normal kid.

I seriously have no idea why I’m doing so much things for school. Obviously I’ve never thought I’d be involve like this. When I was in elementary school, I was basically an average student. My grades were mostly B’s, my conduct was somewhat good, (which is not so good in a catholic school), and I only led people for trouble purposes. I’ve always looked up to smart people and leaders, wondering how they can do this etc. I even saw high school students in the hallways looking so dead with their deep eye bugs. I’ve always thought that these people are not so smart by torturing their body just for school. Now look at me, I’m just the same. I know I’m doing this for college. It’s all about college anyway. But I just feel so restless that sometimes I really don’t think its worth it.

But anyway, I chose this path and I have to stick with it.

Actually at times like this, I really want to talk. Just talk to anyone. About anything except academics. Lol. But it’s weird because I never do anyway. I have no idea why I dont text people, or go to the internet and chat, or whatever. See, instead of talking to people I talk to a blog. I am just reallu weird.

But you know what I miss? I miss being a friend. I know it sounds weird but yes. I act like people’s friend in ways but not a friend where they can come to me when something is wrong or just when they need someone. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because I really haven’t showed people that they can come to me when they need someone. I’ve been so busy that I really don’t have time to talk to people and show them they trust me. And I’m really sad too because when some people come to me, I often don’t give them the comfort or help they need simply because I have no time. I am very sad. You don’t know how sad am I. Honestly, with my friends, I really don’t know what’s really going on. I’ve been too busy to know conflicts etc. And I really don’t like how I only get to know stuff because it’s related to school and what not, it’s just not right. But that’s how things are. I wish I can change this, and never regret that i did not when I look back on this someday.

Honestly, I miss a lot of people. I miss old friends, and even new friends I met, and even my friends I see everyday. I miss just talking to them about stuff and just anything that makes me feel a real friend.

( the song fool for you came again here in my ipod on shuffle which made me write my previous hecka long post about love, i thought that post is kinda like duh)

Anyway I don’t know. I feel like I’m wasting my youth, I’m turning 17 and I seriously dont want to. I haven’t done a lot of things to reach this point. I just want to go back when I was 12, probably the best year of my life, where I never felt that I was too young and felt the meaning of having fun. Oh well. Its 2:23 and I feel so random. Goodnight.

karz000

So, it’s 2:05 am. I was doing pre-cal homework, while listening to my ipod. The song “Fool For You” came, and I remembered something. Something that made me stop doing my homework and ponder about things. So maybe I was a fool for someone. So I decided to tweet it. As i was reading people’s tweets, I saw Christian Shelton’s tweet about his blog. So I read it. And now I’m inspired to write my own entry. Yes, pre-calculus can wait. I love Math more than English but I love blogs more than anything else.

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=15345770&blogId=512757886

So, I read Christian’s blog which talked about.. well some pretty wide range of stuff. Lol.

I want to be in a relationship: Like what Christian said, I agree that people love to be loved and cared right? People love having someone who would cause them to have butterfly in their stomach and just make them feel special in any way. However, why are there so many unsuccessful relationships? Why are people unhappy? Is it because they’re tired of it? I believe it’s because they’re not getting what they want. The care and the special treatment they wanted wasn’t there. Why? Because it’s not love. I believe that the “need and want” to be in a relationship compel people to be impulsive about getting into one. So, people tend to get into relationships without the reason of love.

Why do we have to be in love to get into a relationship? “It’s high school, no one takes it really seriously!” - Like what people tell me, this is just high school, people just “go out”, date casually, do things a couple could do. Maybe it’s not the “high school” thing that’s compelling us to date, but our young minds that has the mindset that “I want what I want”. However, along the way, people get tired because they don’t get what they want and the care they’re looking for. Honestly, it’s easy to be caring and sweet at first, but as it goes on, they seem to forget that they “have” to care and make them feel special: they just get tired which leads to break-ups. So what’s the difference if they’re in love? The answer is pretty obvious, love never seems to stop to care and make you feel special. In fact, as it grows, you care in a deeper level and you just want to do more things that will make the person feel HECKA special. Yes, sometimes, you’ll face conflicts and may get tired of each other for a while, but, it’s love, it gives you the reason that you have to work it out, and it keeps you wanting to be back with that person.

Although I am advocating “love then get into relationships”, that doesn’t mean that’s how you’re suppose to do it. Just like my friend told me, for her, it’s better to be in relationships first, then maybe fall in love as you get to know more each other. Well, that works out well too. But personally for me, there is no way that’s going to work out. It’s just something about the way I am. (Too long if I explain my weirdness. Maybe next time) Anyway, well maybe as you get to know each other, you’ll fall in love. Great. Problem’s solved. However, we have to see the bad side of this. What if it didn’t end up as love? What if, you go out with someone, try things with them, then you realized it’s not the relationship you seem to want. So you break-up with them, right? But what if that other person is already in love with you? What would you do? Of course, you’re only left with an option of breaking their heart. Although we don’t intend to, but things just happen, and there’s basically nothing we can do but leave them hurting.

What If I do love someone? What if you do? And what if they like you too? We can see very well that when we’re in love, nothing matters anymore, I just want to be with you. PERIOD. But you also have to realize, do they really feel the same way? What if they just like you? What if because we act rashly, we end up hurting ourselves? I believe that before people get into a relationship with them, they have to prove that person how much they mean to them, and then maybe, yes maybe, they’ll fall in love with the other person too, and go into a stronger relationship. But we have to make sure that they feel the same way. If we don’t, we’ll end up questioning things such as, “Why do I feel he/she doesn’t put much effort in the relationship?”. So, we have to be sure. It makes a relationship easier, especially for the side of the person in love.

Love makes you feel safe. So basically, I feel that getting into relationships with the reason of love puts you in the safer side. You don’t have to be committed because YOU WANT to be committed. Things just come along with it. I can put more reasons as to why, but it’s pretty obvious stuff. However, we are young, and we wouldn’t understand this concept because we give in to what we currently feel and want. We don’t usually look into the future and see the consequences of our rash actions. But maybe when the time comes that we finally fall in love, we’ll understand and see more differences why love is different, why it is great, why does it hurt so much, and how it can totally change us. We all know that not all love succeeds, but when we come from a situation where we gave out our hearts to love, but failed, we realize that it makes us stronger after that, and to even love better next time around.

So just like Christian said, “Don’t do anything unless you are sure”. Don’t be impulsive, and grow within love.

It’s 3:20 am. I have to finish Pre-calculus tonight. Goodnight Loves.

karz000

Today, I lost two of the most valuable necessity i need to have everyday: wallet containing my license and credit card. As I was looking for it everywhere and failed to find it in places, I threw a huge fit like I’m a baby who was refused to be breast-fed. (wtfreak with the analogy?!?!) Anyway, I let my temper control my actions again. Well people will understand that this is an initial reaction for the situation, but I think I went overboard. I was nicely dressed today for Brea’s dinner, and when I was about to leave the house, I just realized I lost it. I threw a fit, yelled at things like my table and keys, cussed like I’ve never did before, slammed doors, threw whatever I saw. And I did this in front of my brother’s friends. At the end, thinking about it, I felt so ashamed. So ashamed of myself. I know I’m mad but why do I have to act like that? It was very unlady-like and just it was very unhuman-like. I’n very sorry for acting that way. :/

As I realized today, I am still very lucky because I lost something that I can easily replace. It’s not like I lost huge amount of money? or a big project due tomorrow? maybe even worst, something you can’t replace, someone’s trust, love, respect or even lives of loved ones. I am still very lucky and I should be thankful that it’s not something that will make a huge impact on my life. Bad luck gets us at times. Before, I broke my ipod, got a new one and lost it, and had to suffer to buy a new one again. I lost something and it costed me things, but I’m still okay now living good and happy. I even lost lots of things before, lost friends, been away from family, and even lost love. But there’s always something that will come after these things. You may never replace issues like this but there will surely be a better thing that will come to you. I lost things like this but I survived right? There’s no need to get angry. And I realize that I just need to calm down and see that what I lost today was someething that I can replace without harm or pain. I’m very lucky that bad luck hit me this way today and there’s no way to justify how I acted today.

Again I’m very ashamed of myself today for acting lie this in front of my family, my brother’s friends, and God. I am very sorry and will try my best to control myself next time.

I Love My Life

karz000

Yes. School has been killing me lately. I don’t think I’m exaggerating this. In fact is, I am very exhausted and refuse to do anything. I felt that I was born for school to torture me, and I’m still living because I need to be tortured. Something along those lines. Well that’s exaggerated. lol.

But this week has been the worst week ever, not just because of those sleep-deprived nights, but everything has just been irritating me. There was just so much things to do and accomplished and I’m afraid I’ve reached my limit. And to add up for that are irritating people, asking me for answers to test questions. I just want to yell at them, “LOOK UP YOUR ANSWERS IN YOUR FREAKING BOOK, YOU HAVE EYES TO READ THEM AND A BRAIN TO COMPREHEND THEM. USE YOUR FREAKING SENSES AND ORGANS!” But, of course, I held it in and gave them the wrong answers instead. lol. Well I gave the wrong answers to the really annoying ones who didn’t want to do crap. WHY THE FREAK TAKE AP THEN. geez. Okay, stop with that. Sorry, just had to vent out. HAHAH.

But yes, it’s very exhausting. So, Friday night, I went home, straight to my bed around 4 pm. Woke up at 7 the next day. I felt better but still tired for some reason. I felt that I slept too long so along my sleep, I’ve dreamed of everything I could’ve dreamt of. From going to a conference, to seeing people I’ve never seen in a long time, and to some other weird stuff. Hahah. But oh well. It was nice.

So Saturday, I decided was my chill day. I took a break today. Woke up early, cooked myself some breakfast. Spent my time doing things I like, went to my Aunt’s and chill and finally just talked there, and some things that you normally do. I feel much better and relieved now. I decided to start burning dramas again, so that during me days when I need a break, I can just watch an episode or so of a drama, and it will take my stress away. Tonight I’ll be watching Yamapi, and oh heck yeah, he’ll surely put me in a good night sleep, stress-free. hahah.

So, hhm, I have no idea what urged me to blog. Maybe because I saw a blog post, and I was very moved. I wish I can tell my own stories like that. But my life is too boring and just really boring that there’s nothing interesting. DUH. hahah. so boba ever. oh well. I do have stories BUT hhmm.. I’ll tell them when I’m comfortable with sharing it, which will be never. HAHAH.

Well…. I shall take a shower, watch Yamapi my love, and sleep.

Oh, and I want to see Time Traveler’s Wife so bad. lol. just randomness. HAHAH!